Your parents worked their whole lives to give you a proper upbringing. They fed you, clothed you, and passed down their infinite wisdom and life lessons to prepare you to navigate the murky waters of daily life.
After landing the “dream job,” you made a promise to your parents that you would be there for them when they needed you.
What you didn’t expect was a promise made over 20 years ago is increasingly being tested due to the unexpected and persistent challenges that come with aging parents.
It’s heart-wrenching to see your parents, who were once so vibrant and full of life, slowly becoming unrecognizable not only to you but to themselves.

Pretending Your Not Getting Old

One parent has mobility issues from hip surgery a few years back and is experiencing difficulty getting around.
A man who once served in the military then worked for the railroad and lived out a blissful retirement by spending hours in the backyard tending to a vegetable garden now sits in his favorite chair, staring off into the distance.
The other parent has lost the use of her hands and is having a hard time accepting her limitations.
Daily knitting sessions that once brought joy, with every single and double cross-stitch, pain radiates throughout her hands.
Your parents, once adoringly in love, now behind the scenes, fight like cats and dogs.
The mysterious death of the family dog due to accidental poisoning has you questioning the mental state of your mother.
A few months later, your father passes away from old age in his favorite chair.
He spent 50 years devoting himself to the woman he loved, and in the end, he refused to leave her side and his favorite chair.
While grief-stricken, it is becoming obvious mom is aware that her mind is slowly slipping away.
At the frustration of you telling her she is forgetting things, she denies forgetting things.
She is increasingly becoming combative while in complete denial. Dementia is taking over her once sharp mind.
Paranoia convinces her that you’re out to get her. She begins sending letters to your job, accusing you of trying to lock her away.
This is a baseless accusation, yet your supervisor at work is looking at you cross-eyed at what he just read. Does he think it is true?

Aging Parents

When it comes to aging parents, there isn’t a golden rule about the worst-case scenario of aging; it is only the best-case scenario if you’re one of the lucky ones.
Infomercials and social media show elderly parents going on cruises, enjoying retirement, and dotting on their grandchildren while aging gracefully.
When one or both of your elderly parents are toxic, the emotional struggle of deciding whether to keep the promise you made years ago to be there in their time of need, or for the sake of your mental health and well-being, walk away, can be overwhelming.
That is a tricky question to tackle, a decision that carries a significant weight and can’t be made on the spur of the moment but with careful consideration.

Toxic Environment at Home

I knew something was different with my mother when she began exhibiting erratic behavior in the form of throwing out insults, constantly criticizing me, and swearing like a sailor non-stop.
She demonstrated a lack of empathy for all things and people by conversing with her daily shows, maintaining close contact with her friends and family, and calling the squirrels in her yard family, which was outside her character.
Not to make excuses, but it didn’t help that she had a laundry list of health conditions that would make anyone wonder why a person would want to get up in the morning, constantly abuse themselves in the form of emotional eating to assert some time of control while hoarding cans of food, filling the refrigerator with meat.
Only to fill up a trash bin of food every Sunday from ordering fast food because she needed more time to cook.
Then goes on to curse the trash bin when staging it for trash day pick up at the end of the driveway because it’s too heavy.
The cycle repeats every week until the floorboards begin to talk.
It’s expected to be a little grumpy sometimes, right?

Changing Personality

As I tried to engage in conversation about her changing personality, a change in subject would happen, and the focus would revert to me and my life choices by questioning my intelligence and degrading me.
Conversely, in the company of her neighbors, she would proudly extol my personal and professional achievements, creating a stark contrast to our private interactions.
A big smile would cover her face with pride, saying she was proud of me.
The cycle of the poisonous web of abuse, lies, and denial has taken over the one daily happy time, leaving me feeling [specific emotions or experiences].
This back-and-forth dynamic has placed a significant financial burden on me. The only time my mother’s demeanor shifts to pleasant is when I provide financial support for her habit of hoarding food, wasting food, and indulging in fast food.
I am no longer her daughter but a crowdfunding source for when she lives beyond her means and needs a bailout to keep creditors from calling or avoid having a lien put on her house for not paying her bills.
All the while, she is attempting to maintain an unaffordable and unsustainable pre-retirement lifestyle while on social security disability.
While I am single and can afford to pay my way and hers, I can’t stop comparing my toxic elderly parent to past individuals who were once part of my life in the form of poisonous friendships or relationships.
How easy it was to walk away from them, but yet I put up with an angry senior in denial of aging, yet wants to make me the parent, her the rebellious child who won’t listen, yet questions everything, leaving me feeling [specific emotions or experiences].

Handling Toxic Parents Strategies

Setting Boundaries

Just like your parents didn’t tolerate any mischief of bad behavior from you when you were a child, giving a parent experiencing memory loss or chronic pain a pass to indulge in mental abuse, bully-like behavior will not only alienate you but trick you into a spur of the moment quick decision to put the parent in a nursing home, assisted, or senior living.
A decision you will have to live with long after your parents are gone.

Promote Independence in the Elderly

In today’s digital age, caregivers have the opportunity to take a moment for themselves. This brief respite is not just a luxury, but a necessity for maintaining the energy and resilience required for caregiving. It’s crucial to remember that self-care is an essential part of the caregiving journey.

By promoting independence in the elderly, we can give aging parents a profound sense of control over their lives. One way to do this is to schedule online grocery and food delivery, request a community of volunteers to help maintain the house’s grounds, and schedule telehealth appointments with doctors and nurses, thereby enhancing their autonomy.

Teaching an elderly parent to be tech-savvy can be challenging at first, but in the end, if your parents walk away feeling like it was their idea, it can be a win-win, right?

Don’t Give Into the Guilt-Trips

When an adult child becomes a caregiver for an aging parent, the role reversal can lead to an awkward, uncomfortable, and bitter environment.
Falling for constant guilt trips can turn family dynamics into a daily dose of Thanksgiving dinner of passive and aggressive behavior because your mother or father is afraid he or she can’t take care of themselves or the house anymore.
We often feel guilty for standing up for ourselves to our parents, thinking we are disrespectful when we are only trying to get involved and make things easier.

Wanting to Walk Away

After exhausting all options to engage in conversation and trying your best, the emotional toll of constantly feeling undervalued and unappreciated can be overwhelming. It’s easy to be sick and tired of being treated like a business transaction instead of a family member.
When you are at the end of your emotional rope, it’s crucial to involve a third party immediately.
Inviting social services to conduct a house visit and assess the living situation of your parent could be a life-saving decision.
Eighteen months after my grandfather passed away, I was called over to my grandmother’s house. The paramedics found her lying on the floor unconscious.
I first noticed that it was pretty warm in the home. Most Victorian homes from the 1900s are drafty. At least, that is what I remembered when I was a child, spending the weekends at my grandparents’ house while my mom worked the night shift of her second job.
Before going to bed, Grandma turned the thermostat up so much that the house became a sauna overnight.
She was hospitalized and fell into a coma. A few days later, she passed away.
While older people want to remain in their homes as long as possible, giving in to demands for my grandmother to stay in her large Victorian house ended with a tragic accident. I am sure my mother regrets an event I don’t want to relive.

Possiblity of Loss of Independence

A toxic elderly parent living alone going off the rails while you watch a house in ruins with rats running around, trash, and filth isn’t good for anybody.

If a person doesn’t want help or talks about living in denial about aging, instead of letting things go, not addressing the elder’s needs can result in unpleasant consequences with the parent being put somewhere they are not going to be happy.

If rats make themselves known on more than one occasion and your parent begins to call these pests home pets, the health and safety of your elderly parent is at risk.

Forgetting to turn the stove off all the way, leaving the front door unlocked, and later denying these events occurred is a safety issue for your parent and any neighbors that live close or next door.

Action needs to be taken immediately. Living alone is not possible in the short or long term.

The loss of independence is something you can live with versus showing up and finding your parent unconscious due to vertigo after experiencing a trip or fall months before and never telling you about it.

Talking With Parents About Aging

Taking care of an elderly parent can be a thankless job.

Many times, I feel unappreciated and experience constant bouts of being treated compared to the nurses who make the occasional house visit and are treated as a second daughter.

Instead of becoming envious or jealous, I constantly tell myself, “I’m the reason your not sitting in rat s$!t and can rest your hands on a clean placemat dust bunny free and poop.”

After sharing concerns for your mom or dad’s safety and well-being and being told they don’t care about how you feel, turning to your parent’s physician and enlisting their support can make you more receptive to recommendations from a person they trust.

If your mental health is failing and depression is setting in, it’s time to walk away and go no contact for good.

You can’t save everyone. Only those wanting and willing to accept help are worth giving a damn about over a narcissistic and toxic persona.

There is nothing wrong with escaping an abusive environment to save yourself. It’s okay to put your health and well-being first.

Just make sure you are willing to accept the outcome, live with your decision, and can sleep at night.

<script> __ATA.cmd.push(function() { __ATA.initDynamicSlot({ id: 'atatags-1608172891-6735efe061b7d', location: 120, formFactor: '001', label: { text: 'Advertisements', }, creative: { reportAd: { text: 'Report this ad', }, privacySettings: { text: 'Privacy settings', onClick: function() { window.__tcfapi && window.__tcfapi('showUi'); }, } } }); }); </script>